Our team found the man who poops the most per day in the continental U.S.--Bill C. Ardley from North Martindale, OH. Who better to ask all your questions to than the guy who drops trou 4 times/waking hour? Our correspondent Lina McSplash spoke to Mr. Ardley:

Lina McSplash: Thanks so much for agreeing to speak with us, I know you're a busy man.

Bill C Ardley: Of course. It's a pleasure and a responsibility to raise awareness and instruct the world on the ways of pooping.

LM: Is it true in addition to figuratively, you also literally drop your kids off at the pool?

BCA: That's right. I was fired from my 10-year position at the town's sewer treatment plant for pooping on company time in 2022. Now I'm a stay-at-home dad to my 3 amazing children. Keeps me closer to the john, too.

LM: This interview is bound for thousands of bathrooms all across the U.S., Canada, and associated territories. What's something you want all those out there currently bearing down on the porcelain throne to know?

BCA: You know, keep trying. Never give up. It sounds cheesey, but I think it really applies in their situations. This is an act we all must do every day and I think morale can be a real issue in the community. So keep your head up, keep your butt down, and let it flow.

LM: You must spend a substantial amount of time on the toilet. What do you do in there to keep occupied?

BCA: Well, I do sometimes read, or check emails. I'll put on Sade during a particularly trying moment. But I try to keep it elegant--just be in the moment and not be distracted. Boy, you should see my calluses though!

LM: I have here a letter from a reader, Melissa Gorth, age 16 from Indianapolis. Melissa would like to know what to do about splashback. Could you speak on this?

BCA: I'd be happy to. First of all, Hi Melissa, thanks for writing in. So splashback is a complicated issue and there's a lot of physics involved that I won't go into. But one thing to consider is--are you having a splashback problem--some people call it "The Kiss of Poseidon"--at home? Consistently? It's not something everyone considers, but if so you might want to look at installing a new toilet. Bowl geometry can make a big difference to whether the pressure wave induced in the water by your falling movement compounds and experiences constructive interference, causing it to "jet" high enough to hit your bum. Sorry is that too technical?

LM: No, no, this is great.

BCA: Ok, so in summary, uh, Melissa,